Trust: noun. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. Confident expectation of something; hope.
For as long as I can remember, I have always considered myself someone who was full of trust. I have always been quick to trust people (perhaps too quick sometimes), and I’ve always pictured my own trust in God as unwavering and fine, just fine. That was before I realized at Camp Highland that “fine, just fine” really means “about as fine as an ice cube on a steamy day,” however.
Early into this internship God unveiled my eyes to my own pride and self-dependence, and it left me feeling both joyful and terrified all at once. I felt joy in the epiphany of my lack of trust, because I know there is opportunity in the realization of sin, but I felt an immense weight of anxiety in the knowledge that I was going to have to have to forfeit all control and trust God fully to be my leading and guiding force. One of my biggest fears in my relationship with God is that I will mistake my own desires from God’s desires, and then pursue something that is not in obedience to God, but myself. In the words of Oswald Chambers, “The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you create your own opportunities to sacrifice yourself, and your zeal and enthusiasm are mistaken for discernment.” That false obedience is something that I’m terrified of, especially now that I’m entirely aware of my capability and tendency to create ideas of what I think is best for my life. Therefore, trusting God isn’t something that comes easily for me.
And so throughout our time in Atlanta and the time we’ve spent in Kenya, I’ve been seeking, searching, and praying for what it means and looks like to fully trust God. And as is promised by the Word, the more I seek, the more I find. About a week ago in Ngaamba I gave a prayer request to the group that I desired for God to put me in situations that left me no choice but to trust Him, because I wanted to better understand what trusting God meant through experience. God started answering that immediately. Kenya has forced me to leave my comfort zone in many ways, whether it be through the lack of an agenda, the struggle with exhaustion and occasional sickness, or simply not knowing what to do in some of the situations we’ve been put in. As Sara said the other day, “You asked for it.” I did ask for it, and God is continually answering in a mighty way. Even though I still have many questions about what it means or looks like to fully trust God, he’s allowing me to better understand what it means to rely on his “integrity, strength, ability, and surety”, and to have “confident expectation of something.” And that something is expecting God to be my light and my guide in a way that I can’t understand.